your parents love me but you hate me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
