That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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