I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
