saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
