bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
