Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
