Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
