bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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