i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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