3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
