areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
