Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
