my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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