Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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