even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
