smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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