I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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