There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
