Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
