The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
