I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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