tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
