I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
