if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
