OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
