in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
