Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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