you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
