Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
