If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
