Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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