ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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