Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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