i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
