Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Welp...herpes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
