I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
