Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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