Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
