I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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