Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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