Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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