I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
