I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
