Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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