Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
