I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
