we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
