i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
