I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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