Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
