he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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