She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
