Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
