Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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