Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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