I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
