I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
