i think my tv is drunk
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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