If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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