so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
