Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
