Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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